I hate myself

I Hate Myself In These 7 Painful Ways. And It Is Hell12 min read

“I hate myself,” said I.

That was a normal part of my daily and consistent acts of self-degradation.

And I am sure I am not the only one who does that, aren’t I? 

Some people will tell you that you should simply stop that, alter it, or improve it.

That is good advice.

I have tried it and succeeded.

And I thought that maybe I could articulate what that looks like to make it more comprehensible. How does that conflict and “give and take” with yourself look like? What are the feelings and the thoughts involved? Can you survive? Is it worth it? 

Well, I did just that.

This article is like a conversation, or an argument, that you have with yourself regarding self-hatred. 

However, it includes the good pieces of advice that will help you stop, alter, or improve your self-talk that is full of self-degradation. 

Here is what I mean.

What Is This Article?

The article is in the form of letters. You (presented using the pronoun me) will send letters to ‘yourself’ starting with “dear self,” and then proceed to explain why you hate it. Then your dear self will respond to you. And we will see where the conversation will take you. All that while considering the good principles of treating one’s self. 

Interesting, isn’t it?

If we can have this conversation in a way that makes you tick, then great; I have succeeded in illustrating deeper interactions that occur with all of us and hopefully made them more comprehensible. That would be helpful. If not, then help me do that by leaving a comment to direct the conversation the way you see is helpful.

I hope that by reading through this article you would be able to understand, deep in your guts, the feelings and the ideas that will help you. And use them, of course. 

But wait, help you do what? And use them to do what?

If you hate yourself, I am not here to convince you to love yourself. In fact, love yourself a little bit more than necessary and you will turn into a horrible person.

The Purpose Of This Article

This is not an article to make you hate yourself more.

The goal is to help you go through your life without being held by the hatred that you harbor toward yourself. To become a decent human being who is psychologically and emotionally and existentially able to come to terms with his/her shit. Because when you do that, you start taking care of more important issues/shit in your life, which is a better thing to do. This is the slogan of this site but the way and why I write every single litter I write.

Here are a few purposes that you should keep in mind while reading this article:

  • To help people see the way they talk to themselves and how harsh that can get.
  • To help you see the lies of your inner-critic and put them into words. Being aware of these lies is helpful.
  • Once you see how harsh the way you talk to yourself can get, and what the lies are, it is time to apply some self-compassion and understanding.
  • To encourage you to have better conversations with yourself. In these new conversations, you should mute this harsh voice and start to get curios, have some empathy, and attempt to understand rather than judge.
  • To help you accept responsibility for getting your act together.
  • To have a better relationship with yourself.

That said, let’s get started. Below are 7 short letters from you to yourself. And then 1 letter from yourself responding to that.

I Hate Myself Because I Am Ugly/Not Attractive

Dear self,

I don’t like the way you look.

Your nose. It is big and ugly. Your skin. It is as dry as cactus.

And your body. Oh, your body! What a joke! It is the source of our shame, to put it mildly.

When you look at the mirror, I feel sick. Seeing this reflection isn’t the best thing in the world. It reminds me of how ugly you are and how you will never feel beautiful or handsome.

And this is not the only consequence.

It reminds me of the idea that you will never be loved. Looks are everything, aren’t they? Even if they are not, they are an important thing. And you don’t have it.

I hate myself because I am ugly!

I Have Failed Myself

Dear self,

You don’t keep your promises. You always fail us. You always screw up.

You say you would wake up early and you don’t. You say you would stop that ‘bad habit’ and you only binge more. You cannot get your shit together and life seems to be larger than you can handle.

Work is waiting to be done and you are ‘chilling’ around and avoiding it. You procrastinate as if your life depends on it, even though it is totally the opposite.

I cannot count on you, for you have failed us more than I can count. I don’t trust you anymore. 

I Don’t Stand Up For Myself

Dear self,

Again, you have allowed someone else to step on you. You couldn’t stand up for yourself.

You were not happy with how they treated you, yet you said and did nothing; stop lying, for you cannot lie to me.

They violated your boundaries and hurt you. That makes me believe that you are a weak person. You cannot protect us.

If everyone you meet is going to walk over you, why should I, or anyone else, give you respect?

I Am A Burden

Dear self,

You are too much!

You have a lot of issues and shit. You can turn a perfectly happy situation (or person!) into a miserable one.

Anxiety. Depression. Social anxiety. Awkwardness. Moodiness. Anger. Who can tolerate such things? And why should anyone tolerate them in the first place?

You are a burden. Burdens aren’t loved; they are tolerated, at best! And those who tolerate will get tired eventually. Even if they initially loved you, the fact that you are a burden would drive them away.

Walk away. Run. Push them away. If they love you, they may fight. But they shouldn’t deal with all this shit. And if you love them, you wouldn’t wish they lift such a burden their entire life, for they deserve better.

My Past Was Ugly

Dear self,

You know all about it, and I don’t have to remind you.

It sucked and it was painful. Shameful it was.

And it shaped you.

I Know I Am Bad

Dear self.

They who hide in the dark must be bad, else they wouldn’t be hiding.

Darkness is all you have ever known in your life.

And the things you do in those dark corners are bad. The thoughts are bad. The beliefs are bad. And the values? Oh, the values! They are as selfish as they come.

When you come out of these corners, you still act like a bad person and hurt those who are close to you. Or do something stupid. Or fail yourself. Or fail someone.

When you sit at night thinking about your life, you inevitably come to the conclusion that you are bad. There is nothing else to decipher from all the information you have about who you are, even when those who love you (and I don’t know why the hell they do!) tell you that you are not a bad person. 

And when you remember my words and my letters, you realize that you are that bad person you think you are. I am just here to remind you of that. 

It Is Hard To Love Myself/It Is Easier, Though Painful, To Hate It

Dear self,

I hate you because it is easier than loving you. I call you names because it is easier than accepting you.

I don’t know how to love you. Or accept you. 

Loving takes work. Acceptance takes understanding. Both take claiming responsibility. That is tough.

All my life I have neither understood these feelings nor experienced them. And you know that given the chaotic world we lived in. And I don’t seem to care enough to accept my responsibility for taking care of you, which is probably making you hate me in turn.

Hatred spiral. It sucks. But it is all I know.

I Hate That You Hate Me Because It Destroying Us

Dear me,

Only if you knew, you are making it hell a lot worse.

I wish you had looked in the mirror with me and wasn’t so critical of how my nose looked like.

I wish you had forgiven me when I woke up late that morning, for you made it harder for me to go through the day feeling like a failure. Maybe I would have acted better had I felt safe

I don’t like it when someone picks up on me and bullies me. But, hey, you do the same when they leave; you finish their job and tear me apart. Maybe you are the one I should be standing up to first!

My anxiety and depression and moodiness and all my quirk feelings and attitudes are killing me. But what is killing me more is the idea that I am a burden because of them. I don’t want to burden anyone, but I have my own heavy baggage that people will stigmatize me because of.

Are loneliness and stigma my inevitable destination?

My past wasn’t wonderful at all. There were wounds, trauma, abuse, neglect, and suffering. I am fighting the demons of the past while being intruded by the devils of the present to not face the satans of the future, a fight that is not going so well so far.

And I thought that you would be by my side. At least not against me.

Sometimes, you give people exactly what I need. What we need.

It is sad how we sometimes give others what we need the most. 

You would become kind to another person when they make a mistake and support them. You would be less critical of someone’s looks when they show you a photo of them. Hell, you even consult people with depression and anxiety and not consider them as a burden.

If only you could be nicer, more compassionate, and more understanding!

And actually, you are the best one who can do that.

But I don’t blame you. I am not pointing fingers. 

We are so deep in this shit that we cannot see the truth. We are so in pain that we believe it will stay forever. And we are so afraid that we cannot believe in anything but hopelessness.

See, I get that. I understand it. I feel your pain, literally; we are one, after all.

But I cannot accept these lies as truth. Those judgments as facts. Or your opinions as unshakeable beliefs. Because if I do, I will have to live in a meaningless circle of self-hatred, anxiety, and despair. I am sick of that. And I believe that there might be a better way of living if I got my shit together

Let me go and get my shit together. Or, shut the fuck up while I am getting my shit together. And after I get it together, you may change what you think. Or you won’t. But it doesn’t matter because I will look at you and tell you that despite all the nasty things you are saying about me, I can take care of me and you, and a couple more people I love, and live in this world with dignity.

You are not the one who defines me. But still, I hate neither your definitions nor your labels. I know they are coming from pain and fear. I understand that. But I am here to heal this, or, at least, to stop it from jeopardizing us.

Last but not least, I am speaking up!

Not only am I getting my act together, but also I want to speak about those letters you are sending me. Those voices you advocate. These battles we are having.  

I am having my own voice. I am here to articulate my own thoughts and feelings and your own thoughts and feelings. I am here to share, and talk, and express. I am opening up. To give these feelings names and see them as they are is how I will deal with them. And I will mend whatever that needs to be mended. It sounds like a better strategy than hiding and bottling up.

You don’t have to love me. And I don’t have to love you, either. Let’s mute these conversations because they are making us weak. And when we are this weak, we suffer emotionally, psychologically, intimately, and even existentially. When we speak up, at least to our own selves, and go to get our shit together, I believe that is where real self-respect comes from. 

WAIT, THERE IS MORE

It is advised to read something to help you crystallize these ideas and use them, especially if you are confused by now or have a unanswered questions.

Here is a good article:

Essential "Modern" Life Coping Skills
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