One of my friends one day cried, “I hate my life.”
After a lot of reflection, and a lot of deep thinking, and +2000 words later, I came up with an article that, theoretically, had dealt with the problem. (No, it’s not this article.)
That article was based on the concept of the values. I can sum it up by saying: when you hate your life, it means that your values are out of order. And your values, simply put, are the most important things to you.
(If you are interested in that article, it no longer exists but you can download it here as PDF. That is a direct download link.)
But then I thought, “Why not show people how the values can be out of order with real-life examples? Why not show people what types of behaviors can cause values to be in a mess and thus cause the hatred towards life?”
While everyone has a different set of values, we all somehow share common goals, values, and desires.
So in this article, you are going to find the tools which you can use to screw up your life.
And if you want to stop hating your life, you need to start using these tools less.
Here we go …
1. Consume Yourself With A Job You Hate
Drag yourself every morning out of bed. Count the minutes and the seconds you have to spend suffering before you go home.
Go home with no energy to do anything. Get something to eat while watching T.V or scrolling down social media. And even though you are tired, it’s not easy to sleep. Maybe because of T.V or smartphones. Maybe because of depression. Or maybe both.
You wake up and you have to drag yourself again out of the bed. And you don’t know for sure whether it’s because you had stayed up late last night or because a part of you doesn’t want to go. But hey, maybe you stayed up late last night because you had wanted to wake up late and have an excuse not to go or even to make problems and get yourself fired. Who knows?
Your social life has been out of order because of this job. You have no energy because you are not only depressed but also you are actually tired. And every other aspect of your life is suffering as well.
One night, you decide that you no longer want this job. You are going to look for another job that you hate a little bit less. But you have neither the time nor the energy to go search for something else. So, you stay.
Repeat the cycle.
2. Never Develop Your Social Skills
When your social skills suck, your social life is going to suck. And when your social life sucks, you are going to feel lonely more often. This will not affect only your self-esteem negatively but also will make you miserable.
Loneliness is not the best feeling in the world –it’s one of the worst, actually. We are social creatures. And if you believe you are lonely because you lack something, it’s even worse. It’s like not being enough to feel loved. It’s as if you will never be seen or heard.
Even if you have the best qualities in the world, if you can’t express yourself and connect with other people, your social life will suffer and you will feel lonely. You and your great qualities will be undermined.
And social skills are not only about charisma or demonstrating confidence – although that may help. It’s more about social intelligence and knowing how to authentically navigate your way into people’s hearts and connect with them.
But do you know what it takes to develop all that?
Some people need to start by overcoming social anxiety and shyness. Other people need to know how to make friends. Others need to learn how to get to know someone on a deeper level. And other people need to know how to be there for those they care about.
And that is how it goes. You overcome your anxieties. You become more open and make some friends. From these friends, a few will get closer. Of those close friends, the connection will grow. When this connection grows, you feel more connected and you are willing to invest time and effort because you really care about the person/people.
This is a long, arduous journey. It requires hard work. Yes, it is rewarding. But very painful, at times, it’s going to be. Heartbreaks and disappointment and all.
So, why take the risk when you can live your life with poor social skills and do the next 2 things as a compensation …
3. Isolate Yourself
Some people isolate themselves because they lack social skills or because they believe they lack what will make people like them.
And some people, even if they have good social skills and people who care about them, choose to isolate themselves.
Those people are usually going through some tough times. And instead of opening up and getting some healthy human connection (NOT pity!), they shut down.
They shut down because they don’t want to bother people with their issues. They don’t want people to feel sorry for them. Or they are afraid of looking weak and vulnerable.
So, isolate yourself like a bear during its winter-sleep.
Yes, I know that isolation is not the solution for lack of social skills. Not getting help and social support is not a good solution for any problem. This isolation will breed more loneliness, anxiety, shame, and something-is-wrong-with-me feelings. Let alone the actual health issues it can bring to your life.
But it sucks to deal with stupid people. And it’s painful and scary sometimes. Because of that, lock yourself. Build walls. Be guarded for people are dangerous. People will not understand you. People will only hurt you. It’s not worth it to struggle and learn some social skills, let alone that it sucks to admit that yours suck.
4. Spend Your Life Online
You literally can spend your life online. The Internet is a mine of unlimited resources (and distraction).
And it’s much safer than the real world. You don’t have to talk and make eye contact and connect with people to get your needs met. You scroll and click. You watch and comment. And you can be whoever you want to be.
So why bother and engage with the real, mean world? This is an excellent substitution for having a real life. Take advantage of it.
You don’t need me to tell you how to do it. Just choose this escapement route and start using the internet. You will be hooked and the dopamine will do the rest and keep you coming back for more. But honestly, you will be coming back for more because you had already decided to screw the real life.
5. Be With The Wrong People (Abusive Ones)
When you stop avoiding people and start socializing, do it the wrong way. Don’t spend time with sane, emotionally stable people. Spend your time with abusive dicks, emotional vampires, sick bastards, and arrogant narcissists who will make you hate your life and yourself.
They are the people who mock you. Who make you feel small. The kind of relationships where there are secret contracts and unannounced agendas. The people you never feel safe around but, hey, it’s better than being alone!
The people who are unhappy with themselves and with their lives. And are too coward to do anything, so they project their failure on you so as to appear strong. You know, if you can’t go up, keep everybody down.
Because social relationships play an important role in overall satisfaction, you are going to feel absurdly miserable spending time with such people.
Not only will you not have deep, meaningful relationships where you are respected and churched, but also you will lose yourself and be desperate for true love, which you will never find around those assholes.
6. Do What Makes You Look Down At Yourself
Your mind is an observer.
It observes what you do and compares it to an already existing set of values and beliefs.
Whenever there is a mismatch, problems will happen. For instance, if you violated one of your values or you didn’t stick to one of your beliefs, you would feel bad about yourself. The more often that happens, and the bigger the value or the belief, the more you will look down at yourself.
In simpler words, can you recall any of the things that would make you proud if you did them?
Name two or three.
OK, don’t do them and do exactly the opposite of them.
If you believe that a certain behavior is wrong (morally or socially or whatever), go and do it. If a certain behavior is making your life worse (i.e. procrastination, dishonesty …etc.), do it.
Anything that will make you unable to stand the face you see on the mirror is more than welcomed. A collection of these behaviors is enough to make you hate your life in the long run.
7. Distract Yourself From The Difficult Emotions
Get busy. Drink. Smoke. Date. Travel. Scroll down social media sites indefinitely. Become a workaholic. Never spend a second by yourself. Party. Go wild. Watch porn and jerk off to girls who don’t give a shit about your existence. Become a sarcastic clown and make fun of everything and everyone so as to appear as if you care about nothing.
And in four letters: n u m b.
Numb the difficult emotions that you don’t want to feel. Use whatever you find convenient.
Yes, the difficult emotions are usually a sign that something is wrong in your life. And other times they are a by-product of life itself –hard times and difficult situations where there is a possible danger are faced by everyone.
In either case, they are not pretty. They hurt. So, numb them and distract yourself. You don’t have to respond to them or learn from them. And screw the satisfaction which may come when you face your demons. Why take the risk?
Keep calm and numb. OK, there is no any calmness in numbing but, hey, it’s easy and it works for a while. And it makes you hate your life a whole a lot.
8. Avoid The Difficult Conversations (With Yourself And With Others)
Confronting sucks. Being open is dangerous. There is this possibility of seeing ugly things or getting hurt.
There are important things that need to be discussed. Important things that refer to you personally or are important to the relationships you are having with the people who matter to you.
And to feel relieved, and even to make these relationships better sometimes, you need to have those difficult conversations.
During and before –and maybe after– these conversations, your heart will beat fast and you will probably sweat and tremble and stutter. After all, they are called difficult for a good reason.
They might make your life better. But they are hard and might hurt you.
When it comes to these conversations, there is only one guarantee: if you don’t have them, you are going to perpetuate unnecessary suffering and damage your levels of satisfaction (a.k.a. your life will suck. You can’t have any type of satisfaction in life while having your important things up in the air.) Sounds like a good strategy to have a crappy life.
9. Try To Control The Uncontrollable
Turn into a control freak and try to control everything.
Control people and events even though you will be disappointed when you fail. But try anyhow. Act upon your overwhelming desire to control everything. The anxiety of not being in control is scary.
Deny the fact that random events, which you have no control over, can happen and totally change the outcome.
You are the center of the universe and thus you deserve to be in control of everything that happens in the world around you. The idea of letting go of control (NOT responsibility!) is spooky.
But trying to control this immeasurable number of events is overwhelming. And the anxiety it provokes is perfect for bringing your emotional well-being down.
10. Neglect Your Health
Don’t exercise. Never touch a weight in your life. Never hit a treadmill. Never move your body in any way and just be a potato couch.
And healthy food! Stay away from it. Make sure nothing but junk food finds its way to your stomach.
And who needs sleep? It’s a waste of time. There are soooo many interesting things to do like checking social media or watching T.V. or just hanging out with friends. Even work is more productive than sleeping because you get to make some money. So, minimize the hours you spend sleeping as much as possible.
11. Interfere With People’s Intentions
Assume you can read minds. Assume you can see what is in their hearts and why they are doing what they are doing.
And based on these assumptions, judge people and categorize them into two categories: good and bad. Most probably that the majority of people would belong to the bad category. After all, we are living in a shitty world, aren’t we?
12. Believe In The Idea Of Finding Your Passion
You have a passion that, once you find, will change your life and make you forever happy.
When you find it, you will be very good at it. And you will have no difficulties developing it. Also, you will become not only happy but also rich.
It’s a type of clarity that will change your life. The clarity of vision is priceless, isn’t it? And even though very few people have this type of clarity, and they likely have worked hard for a long time to develop it, you should aim for it and do nothing if you don’t have this clear vision and this overwhelming passion and the amazing skills to back all that up.
Just like the idea of the soul mate. You should be sitting there waiting for him/her to show up in your life. You don’t have to go through the uncertainty of not knowing what is going to happen or the anxiety and the vulnerability which come when you are developing a relationship with someone. Avoid that. Avoid it when you are searching for your soul mate as well as when you are searching for your passion.
It’s painful. It’s messy. And everything should just fall in place when you find that passion. Don’t listen to people who tell you that even when you find your passion, it’s going to require some effort and it’s going to suck at times. If it sucks, and it if requires effort, it’s not your passion.
13. Waste It On A Meaningless Pursuit
Here is a perfectly fruitless pursuit to waste your life on:
- Never develop courage. All the meaningful, fulfilling pursuits include a certain amount of danger. They make you vulnerable. They make you uncomfortable and uncertain. Courage is about facing this vulnerability and discomfort and moving despite them. Quite painful!
- Do what people want you to do. Follow the already-existing plan that someone had out for you a long time ago. And even though this person doesn’t know you deeply, they are in a position of authority and they know what is good for you. Or at least that is how it looks like. Fulfill their dreams and you will be happy. It doesn’t make sense to me either but, hey, what do we know?
- People’s opinions matter a lot. They should not criticize you. They should not see you doing something stupid or seemingly embarrassing. And should they get upset with you, change whatever you can change to make them happy. Even if that means letting go of your own identity. Don’t let anyone reject you or think badly of you. Be a friend of everyone, although this way you will never get to know anyone.
This alone can do the trick and make you hate your life immensely.
14. Define Yourself By Your Hard Times
We all face difficult times. We screw up every now and then and make mistakes. When we screw up and make those awful mistakes, we go through our own shame storms.
For those who are not familiar with the term “shame storms”, during them, you feel creepy unworthiness and cold, harsh feelings of shame.
If you could convince yourself that you belong inside these shame storms and that you have always been bad and inadequate, you would not only hate your life but also dig a hole inside of your soul (A hole that you can fill using some of the techniques mentioned in this article).
You have to subscribe to the belief which says, “I am a bad person who occasionally does good things. The bad defines me more than the good because it’s who I am.” Destructive and works like magic!
15. Let Other People Define You By Your Hard Times
Why not get some people to affirm what you already believe in? Why not get some feedback from some of the people around you? They might be able to see something that you can’t see.
But because we have already screened out the healthy individuals who came our way and surrounded ourselves with a bunch of assholes, we will get defined by our shame storms and by our worst mistakes.
We will get reminded over and over again of who we really are (shit and all), especially when we do a good job and act well.
Don’t let the good stuff make you forget about your origin. You belong inside the shame storms. And if you can’t see that, listen to those people and let them remind you of who you really are. Let them define you using your worst moments so that you don’t mistakenly believe that you are of any good.*
*It didn’t feel good writing a lot of paragraphs in this article. Exploring the ugly things we do to ourselves is hard. But this last paragraph was the hardest.
So, I Hate My Life, What Should I Do?
Sit down, have an honest conversation with yourself, and point out where exactly you are screwing up.
The list above can help you see what is wrong.
The list above, as you already know, should be avoided –they are the thing you shouldn’t do. See if you are doing any of these and do the opposite.
The PDF I mentioned at the beginning of the article can help you. It can help you prioritize what is important to you and help you become more aware of the 15 items on this article. Download it from here (direct link).
To close, ponder on this quote for a while, “Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage.” ~Anais Nin