Although Models is a dating book for men, it’ll help you a lot with self-esteem and self-confidence. Not only because dating is one of the areas that we struggle emotionally with, but also because it includes valuable concepts.
Mark takes the ideas of vulnerability and base a large part of the book on them. He also illustrates how real high self-esteem and real self-confidence should look like. The type of confidence that makes men become irresistibly attractive.
Because let’s face it, to become an attractive man, you need confidence. To become attractive and form healthy relationships, you need high self-respect.
He defines confidence, or attractiveness, or that thing which makes men attractive, as, “being less invested in other’s opinions, and being more invested in your own opinion of yourself.” I can write a +5000 words philosophical post on this because I like it so much.
Needy people are too invested in people’s opinions. That’s a bad thing. It makes them sleepless to think that someone might not like them or they might upset someone. They define themselves based on that opinion in which they are too invested.
Non-needy people are invested in their own opinion of themselves. They value their opinion and they value themselves.
Therefore, needy people invest in other people; non-needy people invest in themselves. (Note: I don’t believe it’s black or white like that. It’s about being more invested in yourself than you are in other people. Or the opposite).
Needy people invest in other people by trying to gain approval and trying to get people to like them. You can feel that those people are totally dependent on your approval and they care so much about it, even if they pretend the opposite.
Non-needy people invest in themselves. They improve themselves, they take care of themselves, and they value themselves. They do that not to impress other people, but they do it for themselves. And you can sense that their self-worth has nothing to do with your approval.
And here is the catch. Being non-needy needs some vulnerability! There will be times when you need to stick your neck on the line and risk rejection or looking foolish.
It’s so hard for a needy person to do this because 1) It’ll make their real selves be seen, which is something that they think people won’t like. 2) Because they think their real selves won’t like others; they fear to lose the approval which they want badly.
Mark talks a lot about vulnerability. It, he suggests, makes you more attractive by displaying your non-neediness and willingness to get hurt for what you want and what you believe in.
Of course, he expands on it and talks about it in more depth. For instance, connection with another human being requires some amount of vulnerability. People are attracted to each other’s rough edges.
However, he also illustrates the difference between vulnerability and whining. It all comes down to the intentions and the motives. And it also illustrates the difference between neediness and non-neediness in an interesting way.
Are you being vulnerable to get people to like you (or feel sorry for you, in the worst cases)? Or are you being vulnerable because you genuinely want to share something with others?
Are you acting tough to impress people because you are too invested in their opinion? Or are you being tough because someone needs to be scolded and stopped?
Motive matters. Your intentions matter. People can sense your true intentions. You might get away for some time, but in the end, you can’t hide your real intentions.
Neediness is not about behavior; it’s about intentions. Two people can be doing the same exact thing. But their intentions are different. People don’t listen to what you do; they listen to why you do it.
So, you can’t fake it. You don’t act like an attractive man; you become an attractive man. And you do that by investing in yourself, being vulnerable, and being honest with yourself and with other people.
Article inspired by this book:
- How Do People With High (or Low) Self-esteem See The World?
- How to Have a Positive Self-image: The Only Tip You Need
- How to Be Assertive And Not Get Walked Over
Or you can check the entire Reading List